Don’t waste your money on training…
… when you can become an Elite Team Fighter through the power of YouTube!
See the rest of this fascinating and informative video series here.
What I learned from these videos:
- You’re 14 times more likely to survive a gunfight with body armor… but it’s heavy, so don’t wear it.
- Bullets go through walls.
- The Remington Upland Special is a state-of-the-art tactical shotgun cleverly disguised as a bird hunting gun. You definitely don’t want to be within 10 feet of one.
- When you draw a knife, try to hold onto it. Knives are not disposable.
- Rifles, on the other hand, are. If your rifle jams, throw it away.
- Bullets go through walls.
- Remember to go back for your rifle later so the “skinnies” don’t steal it.
- Balaclavas should be worn at all times.
- When people make fun of your AR-15, switch to your OTHER AR-15.
- Slings are bad because it is impossible to “run like a banshee” with a slinged rifle.
- If you can’t bear to throw your rifle on your 1970s shag carpeting, it is acceptable to lean it against your closet door instead.
- You can make a lovely ghillie suit out of Ace bandages and Post-It notes.
- Bullets go through walls.
May the Lord bless you all.
…And when he throws his jammed rifle away, I will kill him right along with the zombies, take his rifle (which I will clear stoppage on and find a sling for) and his ammunition, and whatever decent gear may be on and about his cooling corpse, and thus merrily will I go on my way!
May God bless you too!
**convulsing with laughter**
Comment by B Smith — June 1, 2008 @ 8:19 pm
Wow, this was so much fun, I had to see it again
Questions:
1) How the hell do you ‘run like a banshee’ with the chin-strap of your f*cking helmet unsnapped? (1a: Without looking it up, do you know what a banshee is?)
2) What do you do when your shotgun jams? And then, your pistol? (Because if you don’t know enough to keep your ‘primary’ functioning…) Or is it just a matter of carrying a sufficient amount of different weapons and ammo that you’re always good for at least a few shots from each, whereas your enemy will only have one? Is the goal simply to be more heavily armed than your opposite, and simply outlast him? (2a: What weapons and how much ammo will be light enough so I can still handle that heavy armored vest, and still be effective?)
3) We know that in a combat situation, slings just ‘flop around and get in the way’. What we don’t know is, how do you carry a shotgun while your rifle is in the ‘low ready’ position?
4) Am I safe from shotgun fire at ranges over 10 feet? And BTW, will a shotgun shoot through walls, too?
**convulsing with laughter again**
Comment by B Smith — June 1, 2008 @ 9:06 pm
And BTW, will a shotgun shoot through walls, too?
Duh, shotguns don’t shoot bullets. You’re good there.
This is the kind of knowledge an Elite Team Fighter Operator can bestow upon mere mortals.
Comment by pdb — June 1, 2008 @ 9:23 pm
Oh, fuck me, I’m cryin’ over here! That’s the funniest stuff I’ve seen since a certain guy we both know did a spoof page, axcept this guy is serious!
My face hurts from laughing…
Guess I can’t be an Elite Team Fighter.
Comment by Tam — June 1, 2008 @ 9:52 pm
What in the hell possesses someone to actually make a video like this? I couldn’t even put on that outfit without laughing hysterically.
Comment by mike w. — June 1, 2008 @ 10:34 pm
[...] [...]
Pingback by g 3 rifle — June 2, 2008 @ 4:43 am
I actually couldn’t get through the first video, it was almost painful to watch. I’ll try again once I’ve finished my coffee.
Comment by Ahab — June 2, 2008 @ 7:50 am
[...] How to be an elite team fighter. [...]
Pingback by SayUncle » Hope it’s a joke — June 2, 2008 @ 8:23 am
He’s right about one thing: When I’m in a gun fight, the last place I want my rifle is slinged.
Comment by Sailorcurt — June 2, 2008 @ 9:54 am
Um, I admit I’m a n00b, and I know beans about beans, but how’s come I felt embarrassed for this schlub less than 30 seconds into the video?
Comment by phlegmfatale — June 2, 2008 @ 10:31 am
[...] is by far the funniest damn thing I’ve seen since uh…well a long time. I saw it at TD’s blog and have been laughing ever since. I also am going to turn his “things I learned from Elite [...]
Pingback by Call me Ahab » Blog Archive » Mall Ninja 3.0 — June 2, 2008 @ 11:48 am
Simple **tears of laughter** obscure my vision, I cannot defend myself convulsed with giggles, and yet the tearing sorrow floats below for the deep interior pain that hides withing – the tears of a clown.
Comment by DirtCrashr — June 2, 2008 @ 12:06 pm
[...] …an Elite Team Fighter. [...]
Pingback by The Arizona Rifleman » Blog Archive » How to be… — June 2, 2008 @ 2:51 pm
sadly its people like these that give the brady’s and their ilk plenty of examples
Comment by chris — June 2, 2008 @ 5:54 pm
Holy craaap! Sebastian (Snowflakes in Hell) has links to a couple of sites by the guys who did this! Check ‘em out! Heh heh heh…
http://lonelymachines.org/mall-ninjas/
http://coltcco.com/mnarchive/
Comment by B Smith — June 2, 2008 @ 7:15 pm
At least he had enough sense to hide his face…
Comment by Don Meaker — June 2, 2008 @ 11:18 pm
Can I still be elite with a Rem 870?
At least he kept them unloaded so he didn’t shoot the camera. Wonder if this is his second camera?
Comment by shortbus — June 3, 2008 @ 1:48 pm
BTW — skinnies comes from Starship Troopers…
=0 )
DD
Comment by dedicated_dad — June 3, 2008 @ 7:18 pm
OMG, his desert digital cammies totally, like, CLASH with the traditional woodland BDU plate vest!
Comment by workinwifdakids — June 3, 2008 @ 10:16 pm
Fifty bucks says this guy is a 19 year old National Guardsman in ROTC. Maybe 20. I think I can hear wisconsin/minnesota, but not the way north parts.
Comment by wizardpc — June 3, 2008 @ 11:03 pm
Ya know, a few more minutes of that and I’ll be ready to institute an intelligence test and mandatory training to be allowed to buy a black t-shirt and balaclava, not to mention a knife.
You don’t have to worry about the rifle, he’ll throw it away, and he’s only effective with a shotgun out to 10 feet.
Comment by ASM826 — June 4, 2008 @ 11:28 am
I’m a huge fan of this guy. When he went off YT a couple weeks back I was sad. Is he FOS? Big time. I think the thing I hate about him most is that he screens comments from people who point out his mistakes. You should have seen a video he made of himself shooting his toy AR and he squeezed on an open chamber. Classic rookie mistake. He’s taken that one off I’m sure because even he can’t argue the fact that he’d a moron. But that’s the thing…moron’s are hugely entertaining. Could you imagine this guy in a room clearing exercise with that shotgun? He’d figure out pretty damn qucik that 26″ bbls are magnets for bullets coming through walls. Anyway, he’s given me a whole host of new catch-phrases like “not even gonna argue” “no BS” “up one notch” Dude is a moron.
Comment by Das Man — June 4, 2008 @ 6:34 pm
PS . skinnies come from somolia. check out operation gothic serpent. you probably know it by another name though….
Comment by Das Man — June 4, 2008 @ 6:37 pm
PS “skinnies” actually come from somolia.
Comment by Das Man — June 4, 2008 @ 6:38 pm
This is the guy that runs the GunGuys blog, isn’t it?
Comment by Kevin Baker — June 4, 2008 @ 10:54 pm
Well, his safety tips were accurate…If I didn’t know better I might have taken him half seriously. That is, until I saw his off-hand and sitting positions. Couldn’t hit the broad side of a bard at 300 yards like that. He needs to sell his tactical gear, buy more ammo and go to an appleseed, for starters. After losing the ego and mall ninja outfit.
http://www.appleseedinfo.org/
Comment by moose — June 5, 2008 @ 3:54 pm
Oh Damn……..Damn.
Just……..Damn.
Thanks for the laughs!
Comment by Xavier — June 11, 2008 @ 1:33 am
This makes me feel good every time I watch it, because people like him entertain me so much. I love the knife fighting, you since most guys will get into knife fights when doing special ops. He needs to stop watching the movie Navy SEALs and hit up Front Sight or just stick to playing games.
Comment by Masked Hobo — June 16, 2008 @ 12:15 pm
[...] difficulty for today is, every time I mounted my gun, I kept thinking about our friend the mall ninja. I kept thinking about his mounting lesson “out back — out back”, and [...]
Pingback by Snowflakes in Hell » Blog Archive » Monday Night Trap — November 9, 2008 @ 12:00 am
[...] have found close relative of Mr. Elite Team Fighter, who has no doubt been spending too much time watching video games. I would also guess his dad is [...]
Pingback by Snowflakes in Hell » Blog Archive » Video Games Destroying our Youth — February 23, 2009 @ 5:14 pm
That’s the same guy that has “the fastest glock draw ever” He has a upside down holster with the barrel pointing towards body and spins the weapon on its trigger guard during the draw!! Darwin award pending.
Comment by Tim Otway — April 6, 2009 @ 9:15 am
Funniest thing I’ve seen since “Icanhazgunpermit.com”
Comment by Chris Johnson — April 6, 2009 @ 4:08 pm
this guy is hopeless…
Comment by Florida Hunting Guy — June 28, 2009 @ 11:03 pm